The Don’t Wanna’s

I am a chronic sufferer of the ” I Don’t Wanna” syndrome. I have been since that job I had years ago that stressed me out so regularly I had to actually force myself to go. I hated having to leave my perfectly good bed to go to a job that I felt was 1. horribly boring and 2. I was severely underappreciated at.

But I went. Every fucking day. When I was sick. When my boyfriend broke my heart. When my favorite co-worker (and super secret crush) was fired. When the co-workers I was closest too broke my confidence. When the guy I was sleeping with decided to sleep with my best friend. When people I knew passed away. When I hadn’t slept in four days. When I hadn’t eaten in longer. When I was severely depressed.

I went. Why? Because the idea of losing my job scared the hell out of me. I was late constantly. Partly because I lost the ability to be punctual around age 19 and partly because I just didn’t want to be there.

That job ended somewhat abruptly a couple years ago and while every one else wept or got angry, I was over joyed. I got to start over! I got to do something else!

That kind of freedom is scary. What do you do when you can do whatever you want?

Cut to now; I work a job that is independent, has super flexible hours, and I can make my own hours. This means that the “I don’t wanna’s” can be so so soooo bad for me.

If I’m completely honest, sometimes, it’s sheer laziness. I just don’t have the motivation to do anything, so I don’t.

Other times, it’s this deep seated fear that I’ll be scolded. I get extremely defensive and emotional when I feel I’m being scolded. Just ask anyone in my family or that one manager that loved making an example out of me.

Some days, since Mom’s bout of sickness and Dad’s passing, I just need the sanctuary of my own space and I can’t handle anything else.

I had one of those days without even realizing it earlier this week. I woke up feeling like I hadn’t slept at all. So I figured I’d just stay in bed a little longer and drift back to sleep. I read. I played games. I watched Food Network and Cooking Channel*

*side note: is there anything more soothing then watching someone make some delicious dish?

I did all the things that help me sleep. But nothing. So I spent half the day in my bed and the other half with Mom. Just because. By the end of the day, I’d planned the rest of my week and felt like a person again. But man! those I don’t wanna days are the hardest ones.

My current I don’t wanna is going to sleep. My fitbit says its time but PSSH. Just because my eyes are droopy does not mean I need to sleep. 😉



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